It's been quite some time since my last post, and if you've read it before you will also notice the title has been changed. I just wanted to take a brief second and tell everyone, I am STILL single for God's glory! I have not broken that promise to Him, however, I have been learning a lot since my last post. Most of which has little or even nothing to do with my relationship status. So, I changed the title to fit what I wanted my next set of posts to be about.
I am a single 28 year old woman, I lost my Dad nearly 9 months ago, I have no children, I am a freshman in college, I no longer live in my hometown, Columbus Ohio, I am a former drug addict, a former liar and manipulator, for a long time I lived a life of absolute promiscuity, I was an abused child, physically, emotionally and sexually, I have a beautiful and godly Mother who I am completely intimidated by, my name is Sarah, and I am the prodigal daughter. This is me, who I am, and my first confession is: I am scared.
This may be a really strange post, you may not understand why I'm typing this out, but please read on. My prayer is that someone else feeling the same things will see they are not strange, and for that matter, I would like to know that I am not strange either!
My life as a child, teenager, and even young adult was completely consumed with trying to break free from the family I resented. My Mother, though she loved me, was constantly working until I was about 15 years old. My Dad on the other hand, barely worked until I was about 10. My Dad was an alcoholic, and abusive, he was flat out mean most of the time. I hated being home, I wanted desperately to leave, to die, to never be born. I wanted anything but what was in front of me. By the time my Mom stopped working, my heart was already so hard and so hurt, nothing she did, said, or tried mattered to me any more. I had become everything I hated!
I didn't realize just how hard writing this out would be. I have told my testimony so many times, but I have never shared my heart with so much vulnerability and transparency. That also means my mind is running! So, if at any point while reading this post in particular, you don't understand something, please feel free to comment so that I can clarify.
At sixteen I began running away from home, doing drugs, and having sex. I wound up in a house for runaways, juvenile hall, and eventually moved in with my biological dad Charles. Still, nothing changed, at least not for the better. My life spun completely out of control when I moved to Toledo, Ohio with my cousin. Nothing in my life had gotten any better, I was still living the same way, but in a new city. I was so depressed and angry. I couldn't take it anymore, I attempted suicide, and ended up in the hospital. Once I left the hospital I lived in a homeless shelter, and after two weeks there I moved to Texas.
I made mistakes living in Texas that I am so ashamed of, but I know that God used them to transform the very core of who I am. But, before I get to the awesomeness of what God did, I have to tell you about what God allowed me to go through. Without the fires I endured in Texas, I would not have turned to Christ. Within literally 3 weeks of living in Texas I began using Methamphetamine. I would get so high that I would hallucinate, and multiply times became very violent. I started stealing from my best friend, everything from money to her Father's guns. I used so often I could no longer get high from smoking, so I began shooting. During that time I put myself in so many scary situations, including meeting with someone I had never met because he promised me drugs. That night I was beaten and raped. Still, my life did not change. I ended up homeless again, but this time I called my family. Only by the grace of God did they decide to let me come home. It was that day, on the bus ride home that God was so obviously with me. I was broken, and without drugs to help me escape. The bus ride was nearly three days long and I had no money or food. I began to cry and for the first time in years I prayed, asking God to please help me, to show me that I was finally doing the right thing, going in the right direction. I looked out the window of the bus, and on the side of the road I saw a sign that said, "The right way". I am so thankful for that moment in my life. I knew, more than ever that I absolutely did not deserve God's love, but He still spoke to me! What mercy!
Many things have happened in my life since that day, including being completely healed of my addiction to meth. Unfortunately, though my circumstances changed dramatically, I didn't. After a short time of "living" for God, I fell, and fell hard! But God didn't let go, I did come back to Him, and I have been with Him ever since.
You may be wondering why my confession is that I am scared. I am so scared of messing up, of people not accepting me, of failing, of myself. One of the things God has been teaching me over the past nine months is that I have never really given Him all of me, or even most of me for that matter. I have only given Him the part of me that people see. I don't drink, do drugs, lie, have sex, cuss, or "fill in the blank". But, I was still very rebellious at heart, argumentative, lazy, a complainer, prideful, and addicted to pornography. I was passionate for God, and I wanted everything in me to serve Him. But, I couldn't. It's because of all of the reasons listed above that I chose to leave home and move to Michigan. Sometimes God calls us to leave everything and everyone we know so that He can get us alone, so that all of the other voices fade away. I would love to say that since God called me away and I moved, that my life has been perfect. But that would be a complete lie. Their is a story in the Bible about Jesus talking to the pharisees. He was explaining to them that they may have been clean on the outside, but on the inside they were still dirty. He then went on to say they needed to be cleaned on the inside first, and then cleaned on the outside. Being cleaned by God in the inside is a very painful experience. When I changed the things people could see, everyone kept telling me how great I was doing, but when I started allowing God to work on the inside, no one said a word. Inside changes aren't always noticeable. But I can tell you that through this process, I have been completely released from the pornography addiction, my pride is being broken daily, and I am continually working on trusting Him to hold my heart. So I confess that I am scared, but I am shouting from the rooftops today, through whatever pain or trial I must endure, I will seek Him for the strength to trust Him.
I am a single 28 year old woman, I lost my Dad nearly 9 months ago, I have no children, I am a freshman in college, I no longer live in my hometown, Columbus Ohio, I am a former drug addict, a former liar and manipulator, for a long time I lived a life of absolute promiscuity, I was an abused child, physically, emotionally and sexually, I have a beautiful and godly Mother who I am completely intimidated by, my name is Sarah, and I am the prodigal daughter. This is me, who I am, and my first confession is: I am scared.
This may be a really strange post, you may not understand why I'm typing this out, but please read on. My prayer is that someone else feeling the same things will see they are not strange, and for that matter, I would like to know that I am not strange either!
My life as a child, teenager, and even young adult was completely consumed with trying to break free from the family I resented. My Mother, though she loved me, was constantly working until I was about 15 years old. My Dad on the other hand, barely worked until I was about 10. My Dad was an alcoholic, and abusive, he was flat out mean most of the time. I hated being home, I wanted desperately to leave, to die, to never be born. I wanted anything but what was in front of me. By the time my Mom stopped working, my heart was already so hard and so hurt, nothing she did, said, or tried mattered to me any more. I had become everything I hated!
I didn't realize just how hard writing this out would be. I have told my testimony so many times, but I have never shared my heart with so much vulnerability and transparency. That also means my mind is running! So, if at any point while reading this post in particular, you don't understand something, please feel free to comment so that I can clarify.
At sixteen I began running away from home, doing drugs, and having sex. I wound up in a house for runaways, juvenile hall, and eventually moved in with my biological dad Charles. Still, nothing changed, at least not for the better. My life spun completely out of control when I moved to Toledo, Ohio with my cousin. Nothing in my life had gotten any better, I was still living the same way, but in a new city. I was so depressed and angry. I couldn't take it anymore, I attempted suicide, and ended up in the hospital. Once I left the hospital I lived in a homeless shelter, and after two weeks there I moved to Texas.
I made mistakes living in Texas that I am so ashamed of, but I know that God used them to transform the very core of who I am. But, before I get to the awesomeness of what God did, I have to tell you about what God allowed me to go through. Without the fires I endured in Texas, I would not have turned to Christ. Within literally 3 weeks of living in Texas I began using Methamphetamine. I would get so high that I would hallucinate, and multiply times became very violent. I started stealing from my best friend, everything from money to her Father's guns. I used so often I could no longer get high from smoking, so I began shooting. During that time I put myself in so many scary situations, including meeting with someone I had never met because he promised me drugs. That night I was beaten and raped. Still, my life did not change. I ended up homeless again, but this time I called my family. Only by the grace of God did they decide to let me come home. It was that day, on the bus ride home that God was so obviously with me. I was broken, and without drugs to help me escape. The bus ride was nearly three days long and I had no money or food. I began to cry and for the first time in years I prayed, asking God to please help me, to show me that I was finally doing the right thing, going in the right direction. I looked out the window of the bus, and on the side of the road I saw a sign that said, "The right way". I am so thankful for that moment in my life. I knew, more than ever that I absolutely did not deserve God's love, but He still spoke to me! What mercy!
Many things have happened in my life since that day, including being completely healed of my addiction to meth. Unfortunately, though my circumstances changed dramatically, I didn't. After a short time of "living" for God, I fell, and fell hard! But God didn't let go, I did come back to Him, and I have been with Him ever since.
You may be wondering why my confession is that I am scared. I am so scared of messing up, of people not accepting me, of failing, of myself. One of the things God has been teaching me over the past nine months is that I have never really given Him all of me, or even most of me for that matter. I have only given Him the part of me that people see. I don't drink, do drugs, lie, have sex, cuss, or "fill in the blank". But, I was still very rebellious at heart, argumentative, lazy, a complainer, prideful, and addicted to pornography. I was passionate for God, and I wanted everything in me to serve Him. But, I couldn't. It's because of all of the reasons listed above that I chose to leave home and move to Michigan. Sometimes God calls us to leave everything and everyone we know so that He can get us alone, so that all of the other voices fade away. I would love to say that since God called me away and I moved, that my life has been perfect. But that would be a complete lie. Their is a story in the Bible about Jesus talking to the pharisees. He was explaining to them that they may have been clean on the outside, but on the inside they were still dirty. He then went on to say they needed to be cleaned on the inside first, and then cleaned on the outside. Being cleaned by God in the inside is a very painful experience. When I changed the things people could see, everyone kept telling me how great I was doing, but when I started allowing God to work on the inside, no one said a word. Inside changes aren't always noticeable. But I can tell you that through this process, I have been completely released from the pornography addiction, my pride is being broken daily, and I am continually working on trusting Him to hold my heart. So I confess that I am scared, but I am shouting from the rooftops today, through whatever pain or trial I must endure, I will seek Him for the strength to trust Him.
